Throughout the past week I kept asking myself again and again, how was I supposed to deal with this darkness? How were we all supposed to deal with it?

I feel like a woman who was raped, and my rape is celebrated. My rapist is cheered and supported by the world. Even more, I am condemned for trying to defend myself and scolded for hurting my rapist while doing so.

The most natural response was to make my voice heard. I wrote about it and presented my stand. But I was outraged by the edits and responses. I found myself entering a war that ate me alive.

Here in Asheville, life goes on. People smile at each other on the street, at the yoga studio, or at the local café. I could not smile at anyone. I could not enjoy anything. I was just furious, angry, hurt, and afraid. I felt immense pain, unmeasurable, unbearable.

This week the sun joins Mars and Mercury in Scorpio. There is no other sign that can help us figure out darkness as Scorpio can. Scorpio is ruled by Pluto and Pluto is the transformer. It transforms fear into power, darkness into light, chaos into harmony, hatred into love.

But for Pluto to do this, we first need to be with our experience. We need to feel the pain, the grief, the sorrow, the wounds, the anger, the frustration.

My husband told me this week that he was proud of me for not running away, for not detaching myself. I was truly living the darkness with every cell of my body. The first week after the horrors of October 7, was too much. I had to numb myself with means of escapism. But this week I was ready to face reality and look it in the eyes. It was dark and heavy like never before.

During the yoga classes I attended in the past couple weeks, the music was deep, shamanic, and dark. It was a perfect match to my mood. But this Friday class, my teacher played happier tunes. One song in particular reminded me of a party scene. In my mind’s eyes, I was dancing at the Nova festival, happy and free. Then the terrorists came and shot me to death. Shocked, I came back to the room, to my breath, to my body. I was still alive. I stayed in the asana, strong and steady. For me, for everyone.

A few more asanas, and I felt that I was enjoying class, enjoying the music. Was I allowed to enjoy? So many dead, so many injured. Hundreds are still held hostages, including infants, children, women, and the elderly. How could I allow myself to feel joy?

I thought about my paternal grandmother, Rachel. I did not know her well as she died when I was six. But I remember her as a grumpy old woman. She was always bitter; a smile never visited her face. She was mean to my father and mean to my mother. She did not care so much about me and my brother. I don’t have any recollection of her hugging me or showing me any affection.

Rachel survived Auschwitz by eating cockroaches.

I do not want to be like Rachel. I do not want my son to live with a mother who cannot smile or find joy in life. I refuse to let the darkness fill my soul.

I think about the young souls who were brutally murdered at the Nova festival. I know that they want me to dance for them, to love for them, to celebrate life for them. This is the hardest thing of all. To find joy on these dark days. But I have no choice. We have no choice.

This is what Scorpio is here to teach us. The more we allow ourselves to feel pain, fear, anger, and frustration, the easier it is to rise up and smile. Rise up and find joy. Because if we can’t do that, the darkness won. Hamas won. We can’t let that happen.

We should not find joy out of detachment, because then the pain stays inside, and our smiles are fake.

You do not have to go through a huge collective trauma to relate to everything I wrote here. We all have our share of pain and suffering in our life.

This week ask yourself how much you detach yourself and how much you allow yourself to connect with the darkness of your own life, and the darkness of the world. Sit quietly and go into your body. Allow fear, hurt, anger, pain, and grief to reside in you. With five to six planets in water this week, we will have to connect with our emotions.

Only by allowing yourself to feel and connect with the darkness, you can transform it into light.

One practice that helps me these days is the Fearless Heart Mudra. You can find instructions on how to do it here.

Additional Astrological Information for this Week:

Event of the week: Sun enters Scorpio, Tuesday, October 23.

Aspects of the week: March conjunct sun, Saturn trine sun, Pluto square sun. Jupiter opposite sun from Wednesday, October 25.

Dominant element: water.

Missing elements: air and fire.

More Details:

• Sunday, October 22, sun in Libra, moon in Aquarius, Mercury and Mars in Scorpio, Venus in Virgo.
• Monday, October 23, sun enters Scorpio.
• Tuesday, October 24, moon enters Pisces. 6 planets in water, no air, no fire.
• Thursday, October 26, moon enters Aries.
• Saturday, October 27, moon enters Taurus.

Sending much love and praying for peace and the return of the hostages held by Hamas, healthy and safe.

Yael