In 2005 I got into a depression that lasted a few years. Only while writing my book and reflecting on it, I realized exactly when it ended.

It was 2011. I was living in a beautiful, rented apartment in Tel Aviv. One side of it overlooked an avenue of lush Ficus trees. The other side faced the Mediterranean Sea.

This was the time when I was a yoga teacher and co-owned a yoga studio with my teacher. I felt fulfilled beyond words. I was proud of creating a thriving business and helping my community find peace amid a chaotic reality.

When I was teaching yoga, I was transported to a different time and space. I was united with all the heartbeats in the room, synchronized with the universe. It was like nothing I had ever felt in my previous corporate job. But when I got back home late at night, I felt a huge burden of emptiness.

I lost many friends during that time as I was too occupied with the studio and secretly dealing with my depression. I was heartbroken from loving someone who did not love me back and was losing hope that I will ever find love.

Before I would go to sleep, I found myself thinking of putting an end to my life. I imagined myself walking to the nearby beach, getting into the water, and never coming back. A death wish accompanied me wherever I went. Life was just too damn hard.

As I allowed myself to be in this dark place of wanting to die, I started thinking that if I was about to put an end to my life, I should at least enjoy life before I do. In my mind, I started planning how I will break all my savings, move to live in India, and enjoy some freedom until I was left with nothing.

These thoughts reminded me that life still had a lot to offer me. If there was something that brought a smile on my face, something that was a real possibility for me, then life was not so bad after all.

By allowing myself to get in touch with the darkest, heaviest, most disgusting emotions one can have, I found my motivation to live. If I kept denying my desire to die, I might still carry this heaviness with me. I had to look at my darkness in the eyes, I had to admit it and embrace it. It was the dark night of the soul and my biggest Scorpio lessons in life so far.

This is the transformational power of Scorpio. You have to go to the deepest, darkest parts of yourself, so that you can fully live. Or like Pema Chodron puts it “To live is to be willing to die over and over again.”

Since then, I only wanted to live more and more and more. I started creating the life I’ve always wanted. I felt like I came back from the dead and now I got a second chance to make it right. I fell in love with myself. I felt in love with my life. Just like my teacher, Debra Silverman, promised would happen if I practiced astrology with her.

Until last week. Last week was the first time I told my husband that I wanted to die.  Witnessing the rise of antisemitism, experiencing the holocaust that my people went through on October 7, and realizing that the hatred comes from people who I thought were my friends, was just too depressing.

Then I reminded myself, that if I die, I won’t be able to do anything to prevent the next holocaust. That my life is more valuable and more precious than ever. “We are now forced to face evil”, Debra Silverman told me. We are. And I am not going to let evil win without a fight. I am going to spread so much light in the world, that evil will be blinded. It will crawl back to the deep, dark hole it came from.

During these harsh days, I find solace in watching on of my favorite shows, Emily in Paris. This sweet show restores my hope in humanity. It reminds me that there is so much beauty in the world. In the chapter I watched yesterday, Emily was shocked to discover that French people don’t like happy endings. They prefer their movies to be real. “Don’t you want to escape life sometimes?” Emily asks innocently. Her colleague, Luc, replies seriously, “You can never escape life. Never.”

We can never escape life and the challenges it offers. We can only do our best to deal with these challenges, live the best life we can, and be in the best service possible to humanity.

My strong stand with Israel costs me followers and closes some doors that would have otherwise been open. But I follow my heart and speak up my truth. I speak up despite the resistance, the objections, and the heartbreaking reality. I will be so loud and so alive that even the darkest darkness won’t stop me. Will you join me?