Last week we talked about self-criticism, which is the number one cliché for Virgos. As we are approaching the new moon in Virgo on Thursday this week, I’d love to talk about self-love in respect to self-criticism.

You might expect that I say the obvious, that self-love is the medicine for self-criticism, but that’s not what I am going to say. I am actually going to ask you to stop aiming for self-love. Why? Let me explain.  

For start, I do not believe we can reach a point where we are completely and constantly in love with ourselves head over heels. There will always be parts of ourselves that we love and parts that we don’t. There will always be days when we love ourselves more than others.

In my blog about the healthy ego, I mentioned the Buddhist concept of Anatta, which means, no-self. I explained that Anatta did not mean we do not exist, or that we have to destroy our ego. Rather, it means that our “self” is an ever-changing entity, constantly influenced by the environment and the people and animals in our lives.

If our “self” is ever-changing, then our self-love is also ever-changing. Sometimes we evolve in a way that makes us love ourselves more. Other times, especially when we go through challenges, we face parts of ourselves that are less pleasant or likable. At these times, we might not love ourselves. The good news is that it’s totally okay.

When we expect ourselves to always love ourselves, we tend to avoid facing the unpleasant parts of our personality. But facing such unpleasant aspects is crucial for growing out of them. This hard process will eventually result in more self-love, but we have to go through not loving ourselves to get there.

For example, when I noticed that I was losing patience with my son frequently, I did not love myself for it. I had to look at it and admit that I was frustrated for not having enough time for my career. I could then change my schedule so that I could work more and spend less time with my son. Since then, my son and I enjoy our time together much more.  

Because the reality is that we do not always love ourselves, the expectation that we reach an unshakable sense of self-love makes us feel inadequate. We think, “Why don’t I love myself? What’s wrong with me?” This expectation generates self-criticism!

Instead of talking about self-love, we can take the Virgo way and make this concept concrete and detailed.

Yesterday I spent the night with my husband, while my in-laws stayed with our son. It was our 9^th year anniversary celebration, and I wore a sexy outfit for the occasion. I felt beautiful and it made me laugh. Why? Because ten, twenty and thirty years ago, when I had a supermodel’s body, I never felt as beautiful as I feel today, in my 50s. This is a concrete manifestation of self-love. We can learn to love our body more, as we all should. Obviously, there are days when I feel more beautiful than on other days, but in general, today I can see myself in a better light, so to speak.

Another way to reflect on self-love is through jealousy. A beautiful soul I met this week, told me that she had to leave social media because she used to get jealous of everyone there. She knew that what she saw on social media did not reflect reality, yet, seeing other people’s lives made her feel that her life was less good than theirs.

This was an honest, brave, and important observation. It was an affirmation that even though this woman’s life was amazing in so many respects, some major things were missing.

Jealousy is not necessarily a bad thing. If it inspires us to act towards fulfilling our desires, if it’s not competitive, and if it does not make us feel bad, it can be seen as a guiding voice. Since our innermost basic desire is to be happy, all the other healthy desires derive from it and are meant to lead to us to happiness. I say healthy desires, because, we also have destructive forces within us that might generate desires that take us away from our happiness.

When we are willing to look at our jealousy, it usually directs us to where we need to be. For example, I am jealous of people who already published a few books, and this is what motivates me to write my book.

Since I am aligned with my purpose, I want the people who inspire me to succeed. I do not see it as “it’s them or me” situation. On the contrary, the more they thrive, the more likely I am to thrive.

We need to allow ourselves to look at the places where we do not love ourselves. We need to admit it when we are jealous, addicted, not true to ourselves, and not aligned with our purpose. Then, we can imitate our path towards happiness, wellbeing, and fulfillment.

Suggestions for practices on this week of the new moon in Virgo:

• From one to ten, how fulfilled do you feel? List five reasons for the score you gave yourself. If the score is less than ten, list five things you can do to increase this score.
• From one to ten, how jealous do you feel at other people on social media? List five qualities you are jealous of. What can you do to embody these qualities?
• Create your own detailed self-love concept. What aspects of yourself do you need to learn to love more? Is it your body, physical condition, communication style, financial situation, relationship situation, career path, or anything else? Which of these do you need to change, and which do you need to accept?