He wanted us to get married. We were only 18, and I knew I was not ready.

I met him a few years earlier, through the first boyfriends I ever kissed. Then, when I broke up with my boyfriend and took a girls’ trip to a popular vacation town, I ran into him, or rather caught sight of him out of the corner of my eye, as I was dancing closely with a boy I’d just met.

I knew our mutual friend would not appreciate the news of my moving on so quickly, so when the song ended, I asked my companion to excuse me, and I went to talk with him, to make sure it stayed between us. Lucky for me, he was willing to keep a secret, a Gemini to a Gemini.

This is how we became friends. I, a sixteen-year-old hopeless romantic with zero guidance on becoming a woman and zero awareness of my beauty. He, a handsome seventeen-year-old charmer with big, bright green eyes, a marine haircut, the cheekbones of young Val Kilmer, and the sex appeal of a Don Juan. 

Once at a party, it became clear that all this ‘being friends’ stuff was a lie. Ori and I were in love all along, and we were so happy to set this truth free. 

Even though I rejected his proposal, we remained a couple. A few months after my mother died, my father had moved my brothers and me to live with him, my new stepmother, stepbrother, and newly born half sister. I was breaking down and could not take my father’s lack of understanding of why this fast transition was unbearable. 

One night, after a huge, loud fight with my father, I packed a suitcase, hugged my younger brothers, and left. Ori came to pick me up, and I moved to live with him and his parents.  

Ori’s mother had a severe case of MS. She couldn’t even eat on her own. His dad had to leave his career to support her. Even though I knew all that, and obviously I had already met his parents, I had no idea how hard it would be to live with the gravity and pain of this story. I could not know, because Ori always had a smile on his face. He never complained about his life situation or anything at all. His presence always said that he was having the best life one could have. 

But for me, it was all too much. I’ve just lost my mother to cancer. I was disconnected from my father and my brothers. I needed to get out of that house and start someplace new, without the angel of death hovering around. 

It was just as I started college when I broke up with him and moved to live with a roommate. My life quickly became filled with classes, homework, tests, new friends, and a new job to support me during my studies. The curves and turns of my life path took me to many places, with many relationships and many careers. 

Although Ori and I lived less than an hour away from each other most of the time, we had never met, and the sweet memories of our love had faded into the depths of my subconscious. 

Until last year, when I dreamt that he died. As soon as I woke up, I went online to search for information about him. There was nothing I could find. I could not think of any person who might have been in touch with him, and I left it at that. 

Last month, I was vacationing with my family in Highlands, a charming mountain village about a two-hour drive from Asheville, where I live. On our second day there, I was engulfed with memories of Ori. I saw him in the face of every new person I met. I felt he was there, with me, in the mountains. I decided to search online again. This time, I specifically looked for messages about his death. And there it was. A Facebook post by a mutual friend who mourned him. He died a year ago, just when I dreamt about him. 

The first thought that came to my mind was that I was a lousy person – how could I turn my back on him like that and leave him to deal with the hardship of his life alone, when he had loved me so much? It was the first time I recognized that I probably broke his heart to pieces when I left him, and I never ever looked back. 

The pain I had caused him might have been part of the reason he got sick and died, I thought. How could I just forget about him? Why was I not there to support him in his long struggle with cancer?

But then I took a deep breath. I found compassion for myself. I reminded myself how young I was when I left him, how much hardship I endured myself, how disconnected I was from my own emotions. I was in survival mode, and I did the best I could. 

His soul came to say goodbye, to remind me of what we had, with the same smile, ease, and charm that he emanated throughout his life. He did not come to blame me but to forgive me. 

I am so grateful to you, Ori Moskuna. I will always cherish the sweet young love we shared. Rest in peace, my dear friend.

***

In the Mercury class of my recent Planetary Balance course, I advised my students to step out of the mind. I encouraged them to consume less information, to let their mind wander, to find quiet time with no mental faculties. 

I was available to receive Ori’s message only when I was quiet and away from mental activities. Only when we step out of our minds can we receive messages from worlds beyond ours. 

Mercury, the planet of the mind, rules the sign of Virgo. During this Virgo week, in between two powerful eclipses, find quiet time. Make yourself available for the information that can’t be consumed through podcasts, news, and social media. Make yourself available for cosmic wisdom and messages from loved ones who have left our world.

Wishing you a wonderful week,

With love,

Yael