I used to be, or at I thought I was, a very advanced Ashtanga yoga practitioner and teacher. Then she came and changed my whole perception.

Her name was Maty Ezraty. She was short and slender, with dark olive skin and the biggest, brightest blue eyes I’d ever seen. She was so humble that if you did not know her, you’d never guess she was one of the most influential yoga teachers of her time.

I can’t forget the first time I demonstrated for her in class, showing off my revolved triangle pose. At that time, this was a simple, elemental upper-body twist that I could do in my sleep. When Maty anchored my hip and asked that I lengthen my spine and then twist, I could not believe how hard it was. I realized that I had been fooling myself for years! I moved my hip forward and shortened my back to make my twist look good.

I hated it. I hated admitting I was not as marvelous as I thought I was. I hated going back to the beginning, and I hated that my practice got much more demanding. Since Maty showed me all the poses where I compromised integrity for the sake of appearance or did not understand what I was doing, I had to put a lot of thought into every movement. This voice in my head kept criticizing me and telling me that I had to do better. I could not just flow anymore; practicing was much less fun.

But I also loved it. I loved it because before I met Maty, I started having severe back pain from my practice. Practicing “The Maty Way” showed me why. I understood where and how I hurt my back. And even though fixing the problem was more challenging than I had ever imagined, it was so rewarding when I managed to do so.

Maty was the role model of Virgo. Her gift to me and many other yoga teachers willing to be humbled and get back to the basics was healthy self-criticism.

I was reminded of this not only because last week was supposed to be Maty’s 61^st birthday had she not left her body five years ago. A meeting with a friend made me contemplate self-criticism and compare my friend’s experience with mine.

My friend was in the beginning of a romantic relationship. Whenever her boyfriend would not communicate with her for a longer time than usual, she would freak out and get overly emotional about it. She felt something was wrong with her for feeling so emotional whenever it happened.

As I see it, her problem was not with how emotional she got but more with her criticizing herself. She wanted to be cool and act with calmness. I know very few people who don’t get emotionally upset when they don’t hear from someone they love for a long time. It is great to be in love, get excited and disappointed, and fear losing our relationship. This is what makes us alive. We want to learn not to freak out in a way that hurts us or others, but we also want to get emotional about it because it shows we care.

So, how can we know if self-criticism is helpful or not? There are three questions we can ask ourselves:

1. When I criticize myself, what do I expect of myself?
2. Are these expectations realistic?
3. Will meeting these expectations serve me well?

When I learned to practice with Maty’s guidelines, I expected myself to apply integrity and intelligence to my practice. My expectation was realistic because I experienced what I could do when Maty challenged me. It served me well because it reduced my backaches and allowed me to practice without injuries.

If you have a passionate personality and you like intense relationships, expecting you won’t get upset when your boyfriend doesn’t text or call you on time is unrealistic. If you would be cool about it, and it’s not your nature, it might indicate that you are in a boring relationship with someone you don’t really care about. Meeting this expectation might make you a cold and repressed partner and will stand in your way of developing a loving and intimate relationship.   

This week, pay attention to the critical voices in your head. Don’t dismiss them; listen to what they have to say. Ask yourself these three questions and try to identify if your criticizing voice is your friend or foe. In some respects, many of us criticize ourselves for things we should learn to accept; in other respects, our criticism should make us more demanding of ourselves to become better people. I’d love to hear what you think.

Have a wonderful week,

With love,

Yael