Event of the week: Virgo New Moon, Monday, September 2^nd.

Last week, I told my son that he was annoying. Yes, I know, it was mean. It’s not something I had ever told him before, and it does not reflect how I usually communicate with him. Yet, he got on my nerves. I was not proud of myself and was not happy about it. I apologized and told my son that I should have said that he was annoying me by doing what he was doing, or even better, that I was annoyed by him doing what he did. The truth is, he rarely annoys me.

But with all the regret of telling my son he was annoying, I also recognized the good of telling him that. You might raise your eyebrows and think there is something wrong with me, so let me explain my reasons, and yes, there is more than one.

First, I am happy to be human with my son. Sometimes, he annoys me, and sometimes, I say the wrong thing. It is good that I make mistakes with him so that he learns that he can also make mistakes sometimes. He can see that I forgive myself for making mistakes, so he will learn to forgive himself when he makes mistakes, and he will learn to apologize as I did.

The second reason is that in every healthy relationship, people fight sometimes. It is healthy for my son to see that we can fight and reconcile. It is good for him to learn that fighting is not the end of the world. If I suppress myself and always try to be peaceful, gentle, and kind, even when I get angry, I not only hurt myself, but I hurt him, too. I do not give him a good service by avoiding conflict because he won’t know how to deal with conflict in his relationships with others.

I know that this perception is radical. Therapists and spiritual teachers today encourage us to take a deep breath, count until ten, step out of the situation, and do anything in our power to avoid conflict, get angry, or say the wrong thing.

Once, last year, my husband crossed a red line and made me angry. I was not willing to accept his behavior and demanded that he change it. My husband accepted my point of view. He understood that he was wrong and was willing to change his ways. Then we met with our therapist and told her about it, and she asked me to try to see my husband’s side, understand him, and be more flexible to accept his ways.

Not accepting my husband’s way was my TRUTH. This was my way to be HONEST. Telling anything else to my husband would have been a lie. It would not have helped our marriage; it would have destroyed it. By being honest and angry and showing my husband how I truly felt, I made our marriage better for both of us. If I had listened to our therapist and tried to “suck it up,” there would be one day when I would feel so repressed and compromised in my marriage that it would be too late to fix it.

Spiritual teachers say that anger is our biggest enemy. They say that if you get angry, you hurt yourself more than the other person. Maybe you are a Buddha, but I am not. Sometimes, I get angry. Is it better to repress it or to express it? I think that being real is the answer.

I find that today, we exhaust ourselves by trying to be perfect. To always say the right thing. To never lose control. To never get upset or angry. This is not humane. We are not built this way. By trying to be perfect, we are dishonest and hurt ourselves and our relationships. We accept things we should not take, things that should be fixed. Instead of making things better, we stay stuck, repressed, frustrated, and exhausted from pretending we are okay when we are not.

Obviously, if you explode with anger too often, there is something wrong with you, and you must take care of that. This is an unhealthy extreme that no one should take from you. But if you rarely get angry, it is healthy, and you should be honest about it and express it. In my opinion, trying to eliminate anger is impossible, especially if you are in a relationship, or if you have children, or if you have a job, or if you don’t.

Virgo is the sign of harsh truth. It is ruled by Mercury, the planet of communication. Virgos know to speak about everything that is wrong and needs fixing. They know nothing would be fixed if people did not get angry and demand change.

This week of Virgo New Moon, be a Virgo. Be honest, be real. Look at all the things you accept, even though they need to be changed or fixed. Ask yourself how you can change or correct them. Allow yourself to express your anger and frustration. Allow yourself to be who you truly are. This is the Virgo way.

Have a wonderful week,

With love,

Yael