Many of us have already figured out that the excitement of falling in love turns at some point into arguments about how to arrange the dishwasher. But love isn’t the first or the latter. So, what is it really? Libra, the sign of love and partnership, can tell us a lot about the nature of love so that we know how to cultivate the real thing.

When I dreamed about finding love, I thought about the moment when I would face the person I desired. I imagined how he would look into my dilated eyes with his dilated eyes from a few inches above me. We would both feel in awe as our physical boundaries melt into nothingness, and all that’s left is our two naked souls. Our lips would not be able to resist touching, our mouths would open to welcome our excited tongues, and we would feel the euphoria that one can only feel when falling in love.

I did not think about asking, “How was your day?” while flossing my teeth or kissing him goodnight before turning my back to him as he was still reading his book. I never thought about getting constantly annoyed by where he puts his shoes or keys and how he arranges the dishwasher. I never even thought I’d care. As a single woman, my sink frequently hosted piles of dirty dishes, and next to my bed, there were always at least one or two piles of clothes in this gray zone between clean and dirty.

Walking the path of life with my soulmate is nothing like I had ever imagined. To be honest, I never even imagined it. I dreamed about the happy endings of the movies I loved, like Breakfast at Tiffany’s. Love was the longing and the exciting fulfillment of it. It was never about learning to breathe deeply when he again puts the grater in the wrong place.

Not everyone is a hopeless romantic like me, but many experience disappointment and challenges as they move in together and enter the long-term phase. The sense of awe is easily gone when conversations shift from how much we adore one another to how to make sure we have enough money to cover the rent or the mortgage.

Then, growling at each other becomes the norm before we know it. Sometimes, I catch myself and note that I never talked to him like I do now when we have just met. If I did, we would probably not be married.

Last week, I talked with a friend who had recently moved in with her boyfriend and was experiencing a similar shift. We wondered why we are so unkind to the people we love most. Is it because we are internally unkind to ourselves? But the bigger question is what to do with it.

When my husband and I went to couple’s therapy, our therapist suggested we apply nonviolent communication to our marriage. As promising as it might sound, I felt that forcing myself to communicate with my husband according to a structured method was not the solution. It would be exhausting and inauthentic. I wanted to find ways to genuinely communicate with my husband more like I did when we met. Not surprisingly, I found my answers in the wisdom of astrology.

Libra is the sign of romantic relationships and marriage. It is interesting to note that Libra is not a fixed sign but a cardinal sign. Fixed signs speak about maintaining. Cardinal signs speak about initiating and generating. Libra tells us that long-term relationships do not require maintenance; they require initiation. We continuously need to initiate a connection and create it anew by offering a hug, a kiss, a kind word, or even a harsh truth.  

A friend asked me this week how she could not get angry when she felt unheard and unseen in her marriage. Libra is the sign of harmony, but it is also the sign of authentic self-expression, and it contains shades of the opposite sign, Aries. To cultivate true harmony, we need to go through conflict. You are not supposed to remain peaceful when you don’t get what you need in your relationship. Be authentic, get angry, say what you want, and show that you care.

Libra is also a sign of pleasure. To experience love as pleasure, you need to stay connected with the awe and gratitude you felt when you fell in love. You need to be authentic about what you feel, think, need, and want, even if that honesty stirs conflict. And you need a partner who does the same. Then, love is a pleasure, even when you get annoyed and growl at each other sometimes.

Today, I can say that love is much more than I imagined. I love the sweet, casual comfort of asking him, “How was your day,” while flossing my teeth. I love making love to him. I love sharing my day with him before we go to sleep. I love going to sleep and waking up next to him. I love growing and getting older with him.

This week, ask yourself what love means to you. Is it what you thought it would be? If not, how is it different? If you are in a relationship, do you experience the beauty of love? Do you hide your true feelings for the sake of apparent harmony? Do you try to fake or force peaceful communication while your resentment grows under the surface? If you are not in a relationship, what do you expect love to be? What kind of love would you like to invite into your life?

Happy fall equinox,

With love,

Yael