Why is aiming for happiness counterproductive, and what should we aim for instead?

In the mountains overlooking the Ganga river in the holy city of Rishikesh, I fell in love with a man. We spent three romantic weeks together, but as soon as I moved on to my next destination, I never heard from him again. 

Heartbroken, I searched for answers. Why was I repeatedly getting myself into heartbreaking situations? What was wrong with me? In Goa, I found a sign of a Buddhist astrologer and decided to schedule an appointment. 

The astrologer’s wooden hut was dim. He sat at the back of the room and invited me to approach him and sit on the chair facing him. Then he asked me what brought me to him. It did not take many words before tears started rolling down my face, and I could not stop crying. 

The astrologer looked at me with soft eyes and nodded to show empathy. Then, he asked me a question that surprised me. “What is the purpose of life?”

What was the purpose of life? I had no idea. “Evolution?” I tried my best to answer the right thing. 

“Happiness”, the astrologer replied. “The purpose of life is happiness.” 

For many years afterward, I lived for happiness, and my life did improve significantly, but I also started noticing a huge problem. Whenever I was not happy, I thought that I was failing. I hadn’t evolved enough, or I was not implementing my spiritual lessons well enough. 

My husband sometimes asks me, “Why are you so grumpy today?” I notice that I am indeed grumpy, even though I thought I was happy. I ask myself why I am grouchy and not experiencing a sense of bliss, even though my life is so wonderful. 

I see that in my clients, too. Many come to me, always expecting to be happy and accept everything with peace of mind and equanimity—never to feel down or low, sad or in pain. When we feel anything but joy and gratitude, we feel like failures and beat ourselves up for it. 

In her book Bad Therapy, Abigail Shrier interviewed Michael Linden, a professor of psychiatry at the Charité University Hospital in Berlin. Linden said, “Of our sixty thousand wakeful seconds each day, only a tiny percentage is spent in a state we would call ‘happy.’ Most of the time, we are simply ‘okay’ or ‘fine,’ trying to ignore some minor discomfort: feeling a little tired, run down, upset, stressed out, irritated, allergic, or in pain.”

I learned that aiming for happiness only gives us more reasons to beat ourselves up, which isn’t very constructive. So what should we aim for if it’s not happiness? 

Last week, I met a young woman for a reading. I was inspired by how healthy she was. In my late twenties, I was doing the drugs and alcohol party thing. I lived on chocolate croissants and pizzas. Health was not on my list. This woman lived with her boyfriend. They maintained a healthy, conscious diet, regular exercise, and good sleep habits. They had fun through plant medicine ceremonies.

Our interaction emphasized my realization that instead of trying to be happy, we should try to be healthy. 

When I talk about health, I do not mean the complete absence of sickness. Some of us came to the world with health conditions we can not change. Instead, I refer to the conscious choice to lead a healthy life. 

Health is more attainable than happiness, but the result is the same – the healthier we are, the happier we are. Health does not require us to be jolly, grateful, and always accepting. Health asks that we eat well, sleep well, and exercise well. It means avoiding stress and minimizing the intake of harmful substances. Health is about a healthy balance between the various aspects of life. It means not being too rigid or indulgent with our diets and habits. Health is about cultivating healthy habits and healthy relationships. 

There is so much to say about health and what it entails, but people who aim for a healthy lifestyle tend to make better decisions, have better relationships, and find more fulfillment. Isn’t that what happiness is all about? 

Capricorn is the sign of goals, ambitions, and resolutions: it needs to have an aim. It is also the sign of health. On the high road, Capricorns know to care for their body, mind, and soul. This is why Capricorns tend to age well. 

This week, ask yourself what you need to do to be healthy. What habits do you need to change or cultivate? What do you need to change in your life? Try to focus on one thing – is it stress level? Sexual connection? Diet? Consumption of harmful substances? Exercise? 

This year, stop trying to be happy; instead, try to be healthy. 

I’d love to know what you think,

Happy New Year,

With love,

Yael