Every Friday he fills up our car’s gas tank. Throughout the week I drive carefree with a full tank. 

Until I met him I felt unloved, unworthy of love. One that I loved did not want me back. Those who wanted me, did not know how to love me. One of them cheated on me over and over again. It took me years to accept that this man of mine really loves me. That he knows how to love me. That he knows how to take care of me. That he fills my heart’s tank all of the time.

I had such a hard time believing him. For years I thought it was not authentic, that he loved me for the wrong reasons, that he wanted something that I could not give him. I was certain I would soon wake up from my illusion and find out he was just like everyone else before him. I was sure I would get hurt. I would make up stories, dream dreams.

When I realized that he really loved me and that I could not imagine my life without him, I began to rebel against it with all my might. There was no way I was going to suddenly be dependent on someone or his love for me! Like a little girl, I raged in his arms, kicked him and his love, but he kept embracing me, loving me, supporting me. 

Now, after seven years of marriage, I realize it’s easy for me to sink into the comfort of his love and concern, and fall asleep in it. Today I am looking for ways to wake up. Without kicking and shouting, without rebelling. Just wake up and become more independent, with the understanding that I am completely dependent. That now I am a part of something that is much larger than me. That I have no choice but to accept it and rejoice in it because such love is the greatest gift one can receive in this lifetime.